


they fade to nothing when i look at him

by cpt_winniethepooh



Series: when i look at him [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, M/M, Misconceptions, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Not Thor: The Dark World Compliant, POV Outsider, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Avengers Are Good Bros, cap and steve are not the same
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-03 16:15:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12751773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cpt_winniethepooh/pseuds/cpt_winniethepooh
Summary: Steve comes back from the mess in DC with Bucky in tow, and the Avengers realize that the Steve without Bucky and the Steve with Bucky are not the same, except for how they are.Aka a meta-fic about misconceptions, perceptions and expectations, or the four Avengers that were surprised to see the “real” Steve and the one that wasn’t.





	1. Clint

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Menatiera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Menatiera/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANKS TO MENATIERA FOR EXISTING, BETAING AND CHEERLEADING!!! Without you, my dear, this wouldn't even exist. 
> 
> AN: I don't own the characters & the title is from Taylor Swift's "Call it what you want".

Clint's undercover mission in Bangladesh lasts for three weeks, just as expected. What is _not_ expected is the missed call on his phone from Nat when he resurfaces. Now, _normal_ people might call each other whenever they fancy, but Nat doesn't. Especially not when she knows it’s weeks before he gets his phone back.

He calls her back but gets no answer.

He turns on the news with fear almost paralyzing his hands and - whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

SHIELD has fallen? _SHIELD has been corrupted by HYDRA?!_

W H O A.

The phone from which Nat called has been disconnected so that's a dead end, and Clint's anxiety is reaching new heights while he transits and changes and camouflages, but eventually, he's on home soil. The four long days it takes feels like a lifetime and he has nobody to rely on but himself, especially not SHIELD. Whatever's left of SHIELD. Whatever's left of SHIELD, anyway?

He has no idea what to do next. He's read up on the files Nat released and he cannot believe his eyes. All those years - all those things have been _lies_?

 _Everything_?

It's a tough pill to swallow. In the end he goes to Manhattan, figuring if anybody knows what's up it'll be Stark, and sure enough, everyone but Thor's at the Tower: the Avengers, including Rogers and Nat, and most surprisingly a dude with a metal arm, a death glare and a permanently confused and pissed-off expression.

 

Now, Clint knows what people say about him, okay. He's not deaf - well technically he is, but he's looked into a mirror before and can recognize his flaws, okay, and it's stuff like that which gives him anxiety, but. Bottom line is, he knows what people - mostly Nat - say about him, rightfully so, which is that he's a human disaster.

He truly is. He's accepted that, whatever, no big deal. Not everybody has the capacity to be flawless (like Nat). So he's the guy that loses to the army in a bass simulator. As he said, no big deal.

 _Cap_ , though. He _is_ a perfect human being. He's the pinnacle of the American Dream and he helps old ladies to cross the street and carries their bags for them and campaigns for adopting instead of buying puppies and _Cap_ has his shit together, generally speaking. Like, what other guy from the forties would've taken to the 21st century like a duck to water as he has? (Not Scary Assassin best friend, certainly.)

Or at least Cap should've been all of those things and more, and yet - and _yet_.

Don't get Clint wrong, Rogers is still amazing, but... not as flawlessly and immaculately as Clint previously believed. Because seriously, for all the stupid shit Clint's been pulling for years, _decades_ , he at least never managed to single-handedly destroy SHIELD, let alone single-handedly destroy SHIELD _within a week_.

One. Week.

 

What's even more alarming is that Cap apparently brought another unrealistically competent person with him who also happens to have an ornithological name: one Sam Wilson, alias Falcon.

What the hell. _What the hell_. How does Cap meet these people all the time? And why must he be called Falcon? At least Clint was unique with his name (unless you ask Kate, but you shouldn't, she exaggerates) but oh no, now they have another birdie and Clint’s still just a loser shooting arrows at aliens.

So it turns out they met while running. Typical. Not only has Cap his life together enough to go for morning runs (ugh), he befriends fellow cool superheroes there (UGH). The only people Clint ever meets in his downtime are pizza delivery guys, drug dealers and Daredevil that one time in the dumpster, which, admittedly, wasn't the worst that could've happened.

The only saving grace is that Scary-yet-somehow-Traumatized Blue Eyes doesn't have his life together, which would immediately make him _#relatable_ if he didn't also look like he was about to shoot Clint at any time. Which is also relatable by itself as Clint gets the urge fairly often to A, shoot himself and B, shoot everybody else around him as well. He doesn't even have the excuse of decades being spent brainwashed and tortured and forced to kill, like Barnes. (He's called Barnes. Clint pays attention. Sometimes. For example it takes him over a week to figure out that this is the same guy who shot through Nat in Odessa, but give him a break, this Barnes has _zero_ resemblance to her description. That's maybe why Clint forgives him so easily; that, and the Traumatized Glare.) Although, to be fair, Clint has some experience with the brainwashing too. It's only half a week, but it's still half a week more than the rest of the Tower combined, so.

He wouldn't even interfere, except he remembers how much it helped _him_ when people - okay, mostly Nat and Cap, but still people - started engaging with him again as if he was normal. As if nothing happened. And there's nothing to guarantee that Barnes will take it well or that Clint can even help - knowing himself it'll probably be a clusterfuck - but he can take a page from Cap's book and also take the road he can live with.

So one morning he offers to show how the coffee machine works. He's really not the best for the job, but if the machine explodes they can bond over even more shared trauma and Barnes was eyeing the thing warily anyway so it's worth a try.

Barnes blinks at him a few times, probably in surprise since Clint hasn't talked to him directly a lot, then nods uncertainly.

It feels like a win even more when the coffee is horrible but at least not on fire.

 

The fact is, Barnes is a mess.

After everything the guy's been through (knowing a fraction of what happened to Nat gives Clint enough to work with) it's surprising to exactly nobody, but what _is_ a surprise is that Rogers handles it badly. He's pushy and says the wrong things at the wrong time and he may be an even bigger mess than Barnes.

Clint, as said before, has some experience with these kinds of things and so decides to move in to the Tower, at least temporarily. What's gonna happen to SHIELD is anybody's guess after Nat gave Congress a piece of her mind and Cap doesn't give a flying fuck about destroying Clint's employer _within a week_ (yes, he's still not over that part), so he has nothing better to do anyway. Kate's gonna appreciate the quiet but miss Lucky because Clint's bringing her with, no argument there.

A therapy dog is a brilliant idea, the other bird-guy agrees when Barnes smiles more often and gains confidence and some of his agency back slowly but steadily. (Clint would laugh at and protest against the idea of stray-turned-rescue Lucky being a therapy dog because it's absurd, but it's also kinda true. She's amazing like that.)

 _Maybe they should get one for Rogers as well, then,_ Clint doesn't say but thinks when he sees the giant blond beefcake sulking in a corner about Barnes spending more time with Lucky than with him.

It's worth it for the first time Barnes yells at Rogers for being a reckless idiot when Rogers jumps out from a plane without a parachute as an evil scientist's giant crickets swarm the Statue of Liberty. It's worth it for Bucky retelling every single story of Rogers ending up bloody and beaten in an alley, giving himself a concussion with the shield, or having the ability to piss of COs within five words until threats of "dishonorable discharge" and "court martial" are thrown around. It's worth it for the utter _shock_ turning into absolute _bliss_ when Bucky kisses Steve to make him shut up.

Sure, Clint is a human trashcan but Steve is in his own league of tragedy as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls note that I'm not American nor a native English speaker. Feel free to point out any mistakes, but do be kind because I'm doing my best here :) Comments appreciated!


	2. Natasha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still HUGE thanks to Menatiera for being the most amazing and also for putting up with me!! <3 i love you!!!!!

Respect doesn't come easily to Natasha. She's seen too many men on high horses that were actually ponies; seen too many governments collapse, empires fall and rulers die. (And sometimes, she had a helping hand in the matter. It's what she does. No big deal.)

Her respect comes in various levels: Coulson she respects as a handler; Fury, as a director and the mastermind behind the Avengers Initiative (funny, how they both turn out to be alive after a death scare); and Clint as a colleague and the closest thing she has to a friend. (Funny, how they all originate from SHIELD, not from another part of her life, given what happens later.)

But Rogers is on a different level, a level of his own. Natasha had preconceptions about him, but oddly enough, he seemed to have none about her. He hopes for the best in people but is always prepared for the worst: in Nat's case that meant that he trusted her professionalism and competence. Men (and sometimes women, and fractionally others) put Nat into a category they can handle easily upon meeting her: spy, whore, traitor, Russian... the list goes on and it's never flattering and even less solely accurate.

Rogers, though. He took Nat's word for Clint when he got brainwashed. He didn't care about the Hulk, only the man underneath the green skin. And he treated her like the complex human being she was and in return only expected the same.

 He started on the wrong foot with Stark but having spent some time intimately with SI she can hardly fault him for that, and they reconciled eventually.

Most importantly he wasn't naive. Never surprised, only disappointed when he's let down, and oh boy, was he let down often.

 

Seeing Barnes on the highway took all the fight from him. Natasha could see his heart shatter and his world crumble even through her own blood loss and from across the street. Her heart ached for him because she _knew_ the Winter Soldier like Rogers understood Barnes: intimately, thanks to their history both in the Red Room and in Odessa.

Granted, in the Red Room he was... gentle. The gentlest of the lot, a protective bear instead of an assaulting one.

Then what happened - well, it happened and he was a machine again. In Odessa her life was only saved by blind luck - she refused to believe he spared her purposefully. Nobody could come back from what he's been put through.

Rogers failed to see it that way, and Natasha (much like Sam) feared this would be Cap's last battle: his faith was blind, his hopes too high, and the fall (both metaphorically and literally) would be inevitable and fatal.

It wasn’t so.

They were lucky because they were wrong.

  


Barnes is Roger's Achilles heel, his blind spot, the foundation of his very existence. Natasha thought she knew the Winter Soldier like Rogers didn't, but she was wrong - Cap's faith saved a broken soul where her realism would've doomed it irrevocably.

 

And suddenly the pieces of the puzzle click into place and she no longer has to pretend to know everything: she _understands_ now. She can't tell if they were lovers before or during the War and the time since made them temporary strangers, or if the seeds of their then mutual captivation blossomed into a full-grown passionate attachment later, but it has hardly any significance. But, suddenly, all of _Rogers_ makes sense: his... she doesn't even know. His... lost-ness. His restlessness. His anger. All that was bottled inside is out, now, and it's no wonder he didn't want to date when he wasn't even done grieving his lost love, or the lost chance of a love.

Maybe she should’ve tried hooking him up with a man, but seeing Rogers and Barnes together tells her that she wouldn’t have succeeded either.

 

Instead of hardening him, Barnes makes Rogers pliant and mellow.

Well. Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration.

They even each other out, fit like peas in a pod (yin and yang, if she were the philosophical type), and she isn't shocked to see (what could shock her, after all of this, when it comes to Rogers?) the lift in Roger's step, the weight so visibly off his shoulders, a smile sneaking onto his face more and more often for no apparent reason whatsoever. And then the reason for his smile is coming up behind him and sharing a private, somewhat shy smile of his own, maybe a bit afraid - _does he deserve to smile, after everything? he does_ , Natasha tells him one day - but not enough to prevent his hand reaching out only to be met with Rogers's halfway for a quick touch of reassurance.

They are, after all, young men, but their wounds and their suffering crave lines on their faces that shouldn't be there. They deserve a respite; they deserve to be happy.

Seeing how Barnes allows himself to be loved - even when he shares some of his misgivings with Nat; _shouldn't he have run away instead? he's a burden, he's keeping Rogers back_ \- to which she can honestly reply with a firm no: _Rogers is a different person, a_ better _person with you_ \- teaches her a new lesson. In a world of mistrust and dishonesty, love might be the thing that fills the cracks like that Chinese - or was it Japanese? - art where the broken china is mended with golden glue.

And Rogers loves with the force of the Sun, bright and hot and constant; with the momentum of an immovable object and the steadiness of an irresistible force rolled into one. His love builds bridges where those bridges have been burned before.

And through that love Natasha could, perhaps, one day, learn to trust Barnes too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the credit for the line about burning bridges goes to Brothers by bloodbuzzedohio, go check it out here because it's INCREDIBLE: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12107649/chapters/27452259
> 
> also can you guess who the fifth, "unsurprised" POV will be since it clearly won't be Nat? ;)


	3. Bruce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENDLESS GRATITUDE TO MENATIERA FOR POINTING OUT EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE IMPROVED!!!!!

People call him the angriest Avenger, so much so that his superhero alias became a synonym for uncontrolled fury. People do that often: they take the name of something and then they project it onto something else, which, in their opinion, has the same dominant attribution. With Tony that’s his womanizing charms; with Steve, his American-ness. It's just his luck that despite his seven PHDs it's his anger that makes Bruce famous, and not something fractionally more flattering.

People also get things wrong often. You can't know someone's true self from afar, you can't judge a person based on magazines and newsreels, and you should take what's said even in a press conference with a grain of salt. Observer's paradox and all that. (You’d think people would get this by now, but you’d be disappointed.)

Because the thing is, Bruce has a fairly good grip on his anger these days. "Incidents" are few and far in between, and mostly of the ‘ _lets save the world_ ’ variety instead of the ‘ _someone accidentally mixed normal coffee into his decaf_ _blend’_ -kind.

You know who doesn't have a strong grip on his temper, though? Steven G. Rogers.

That man is a volatile mixture of righteousness and hotheadedness ready to explode _any minute_. Sure, he has the old-world politeness to cover everything with an honest smile, but Bruce still fears the day Steve decides humanity doesn't deserve the Earth and blows it all up. Maybe literally.

The shock of that realization is in the past, to be honest. So much has happened, and for the most part, Bruce can get behind how Steve sees things. His self-sacrificing is inspiring, his motivational speeches moving, his compassion embracing.

The nation has chosen well in terms of an icon to try to live up to, even if for all the wrong reasons.

 

What complicates the fully-formed picture in Bruce's head is finding the most infamous assassin of the century sitting at the kitchen counter one night and Rogers worrying over his protein intake like a mother hen. Well, Bruce doesn't know who he is at first; how would he? Good assassins and spies are not famous for - well, being famous. But then when he's back in his room he asks JARVIS and then he starts going green around the edges and he interrogates Tony in the workshop and has to sit down and accept the cup of chamomile tea from one of the bots to prevent a total Hulk-out.

 

First he thinks Tony is exaggerating but no, they truly seem to be an item. Steve Rogers, America's favorite soldier in love with the nation's most wanted terrorist.

Sometimes (more often than not) Bruce feels like he's a bystander in a soap opera.

 

Barnes is said to be fierce and relentless and deadly, a machine made to kill, which his body count backs. Reality is, of course, more nuanced and what he is instead is a person constantly on edge, always surprised yet incredibly perceptive and open. He is freaked out just as often as Bruce is, but at least he doesn't turn into a giant monster - with his super-everything and the metal arm that would be more than lethal. He shoots things, sometimes, and stabs quite often, the toaster for instance when it doesn't cooperate or the fliers of a bigoted politician. (How exactly those ended up in the Tower no one can tell, but Steve sets them on fire on the rooftop to prevent further stabbing and mostly because he just wants to see them burn, Bruce thinks). Other than that he is gentle and kind and - Bruce doesn't say this often, so it's something special - easy to be around.

In the workshop Barnes develops new things and brainstorm new ideas together with Tony and Bruce, and just like Steve, Barnes never holds anything the Hulk did over his head. Tony jokes about his green side; the two nonagenarians just don't care. It's simple. It's easy.

Maybe they _were_ called the Greatest Generation for a reason.

 

When Barnes settles it becomes clear that he wouldn't hurt a fly. Well, unless said fly was actually a non-cooperating toaster or an evil skeleton-army attacking Times Square, in which case he'd hurt them gladly. Otherwise, towards humans, especially the Avengers, and even more especially towards Steve: he is gentle like a dove.

Bruce knows that people won't care about that. If they find out about Barnes - _when_ they find out - they will come with pitchforks and demand his head on a silver plate, regardless of everything that happened since. Regardless of how it wasn't his fault in the first place.

They won't care that Barnes rescued an abandoned kitten from a dumpster just last week and has been hand-feeding it since. They won't care about Barnes's nightmares born out of guilt and memories. They won't care about his struggle for atonement and redemption, how he tries so hard to be his best self all the time and to do the Right Thing.

They won't care about how Barnes can cool Steve down with a hand placed on a shoulder, with a whisper, with a _look_. It is truly magic - Bruce and Nat are working on something to bring the Hulk back to Earth when things get out of hand and they've hardly made any progress, and the result (if there ever be a successful one) will be the fruit of long and tedious work of all parties involved. And here Barnes is, taking the most hotheaded person Bruce's ever known down from the ledge without breaking a sweat.

Not always, but enough. Not always, but when it counts. And when he can't or doesn't want to he jumps after him only to call him a dumbass from up close, to Tony's eternal pleasure, while simultaneously providing backup.

People will come and they won't care, and then they will learn the Wrath of Steve Rogers. God help anyone who stands between them; God help anyone because Steve won't if he doesn't have that calming voice by his side.

 

Bruce wonders what's that like, to have such a strong, unreserved presence in your corner; a companionship that determines a lifetime or more. Someone who looks at you and sees not the monster but the human, or the potential, a _promise_ of a human, underneath.

Then he takes a look at his life and counts his blessings: he is alive. He has his own agency, for the most part. Thanks to Tony he has all the scientific equipment he could ask for, and he has Tony and sometimes Barnes to discuss theories with. He has Barton to play videogames and watch movies with. He has Thor to banter with. He has Natasha to question his decisions. He has Steve if he wants a quiet heart to heart.

Most of the time he doesn't even need to ask. It's like his teammates are telepaths who materialize when he needs them, and sure, sometimes they can't actually help but often their presence by itself is enough.

 

  
Maybe he doesn't have that deep, soulbond-like connection with anyone. Maybe he never will. But he has a team, a _family_ , and he can safely say that he's not alone. When the sharks come smelling his blood he won’t have to fight them on his own, and neither will Barnes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how much I struggled with Nat's and Bruce's chapters, respectively. Their styles and headspaces are a challenge to incorporate, so I hope I did them justice :)


	4. Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General warning for Howard Stark's A+ parenting - I should put that in the tags too.
> 
> Thanks to Menatiera once again for everything!! <3

Howard Stark loved Captain America more than his own son, which resulted in Tony resenting Cap even before he learned about America's most beloved hero in school. Of course Tony didn't have the words and the self-analyzing skills at the time to phrase it so, but even at such a young age he was aware that whatever he did, he always got compared to what Cap had done or would have done and Tony always came in second in a race he didn't even know they were competing in.

Shame, given how he started out adoring the guy and even dressed up as him for Halloween in kindergarten.

But by the end of his teenage years he made a deal with himself: he'd be better than Cap (and dear old dad) not out of spite but because Howard must've exaggerated. Nobody could be that perfect. His own mind, too, erased the less favorable interactions with his parents after the accident and preserved the fond memories as a source of strength - it's what the human brain does to deal with trauma, time makes everything seem better, yadda yadda. Cap must've been just a normal, or maybe a slightly better than normal man who happened to be at the right place at the right time, got put into a costume, pulled some nice tricks out of his sleeve (nothing the great tacticians of the ancient Greeks, for instance, couldn't and didn't do) and that was that.

Tony will be remembered a similar way after his death, with most of his mistakes forgotten in the news rags and his virtues exaggerated through his legacy.

 

Except the initial resentment developed into full-blown hatred upon meeting the guy in person because _oh God_ , he was everything Dad claimed he'd been and _more._  Making educational videos for highschoolers (Tony would be like the anti-example of everything Cap preached about), claiming responsibility for destroying half a city in an alien attack (SI and Tony threw a lot of money at the rebuilding and damage control but from Cap it came out less like "wanting to buy his way out of a problem" and more like an honest gesture), volunteering in soup kitchens and so forth and so on.

Tony lost the race again.  

On top of all that Rogers was also a _jerk_. Who threatens someone with a heart condition with bodily harm on their second meeting? Not that Tony needs protection or delicacy, but it still hurt - even the thought of it. Even though Tony would come out on top in the suit.

And "without the suit" - that hurt too. That hurt more than everything else, including the trip to outer space with a nuke named Manhattan.

 

Well, no wonder Dad loved him so much. Birds of a feather.

 

And then SHIELD was compromised, Cap almost got shot while the TV broadcasted the highway fight live, and by the time JARVIS hacked the SHIELD servers and he found out about HYDRA and Pierce and _oh shit what the fuck?!?!!_ the Helicarriers were falling from the sky.

And then Cap showed up on the Tower's doorstep with Nat, Bird Guy #2 and the Winter Soldier who, according to the files Tony found, killed his parents in '91.

 

He wanted to shoot him on the spot. He wanted to - God, he wanted to rip his fingers out one by one and break every bone in his body slowly and methodically and he wanted him to know the kind of pain that was inflicted upon Tony.

But looking at Barnes after some days - weeks? - of an alcoholic haze of self-pity he couldn't see the Winter Soldier anymore, just a man who, despite Tony having a good 15 years on him in terms of appearance, had the same kind of eyes Tony saw in his own face when he looked into the mirror after Afghanistan; and with that he understood that Barnes was already broken more than Tony could ever break him.

 

He let them in.

 

Eventually the Winter Soldier and the old Sergeant Barnes morph into something new that Tony actually... likes? For a while he does actively work against that; doesn't want to betray his parents and his loyalty and _fuck everything, seriously_ , but Barnes is kinda hard not to like. Tony's sure that his mom would be supportive of love trumping hate or whatnot. He's less sure about dad but he used to know Barnes, and who could tell with him anyway?

The history books got Barnes all wrong: he isn't and most likely never was a macho ladies’ man, instead he's a geek of unheard proportions. It all starts with his arm which Tony checks in the workshop for unwanted surprises like trackers or delayed explosives or poisonous injections (the fun stuff one can expect from HYDRA) and it ends in movie nights and long, in-depth discussions about modern technology compared to old expectations, social norms for various genders and how dogs differ from cats in terms of behavior and representation.

It's magnificent.

There's also the added, shared bonus of kidnapping, torture and non-con body modifications, which, yeah. Let's just say that more than one night ends with tears.

 

Cap tags along once he and Barnes establish boundaries and worries about personal space and overprotectiveness and the like, and he is... less of an asshole when Barnes is around. Mellower. Like when Tony calls Barnes Buckaroo for the first time - it just slips out, okay, he was talking to Rhodey earlier and it's no big deal - and Cap is one second away from tearing Tony a new one when Jay, bless him, pulls up the related imagery and Barnes laughs out loud. The fight leaves Cap and just like that, he finds the whole thing hilarious too.

The nicknames stay: some are self-explanatory, like Buckingham, some require further explanation, like Buckbeak. ( _What do you mean you've never read Harry Potter? Jay, download the audiobooks to his StarkPhone ASAP_.)

And Bucky is kind of amazing?? He soaks up knowledge like a sponge, immediately identifies himself as a Hufflepuff (although Tony might’ve put him into Ravenclaw) and Rogers as a Slytherin (after which Tony’s mind goes **!!!!!!!!!!!!!** ), and finally Tony can geek out with someone when neither Rhodey or Bruce are around. And when they are, Bucky still tries to follow what's going on and uses JARVIS to fill the gaps in his knowledge and Tony catches himself enjoying the otherwise tedious part of explaining things to a layman.

It's enough for Tony to consider that maybe he was wrong about Rogers who's still too perfect and still a jerk, but for both of which Bucky calls him out. And Tony has to give the guy Terminator loves so much a second chance, it's just common sense at this point. His judgment is spot-on most times and understandable at the rest, so.

So Tony explains to Rogers what he’s working on one day when he and Bucky are firing ideas back and forth while Rogers doodles, and he actually has some constructive criticism to offer? At first he's flippant, of course, and Tony's immediately done giving chances, but then Bucky sends a glare his way that makes Rogers reconsider and come up with a couple of more-than-useful insights.

The trend continues, and after a while Bucky doesn't even have to frown at Rogers to be nice, and once or twice it's Rogers that asks for something - not demands, not stubborns his way into doing it himself, just plain old _asks_. It’s... nice.

 

Maybe this was the guy dad was so head over heels for, Tony doesn't know. He most likely never will know. (Nor will he know how much - if at all - dad’s idiolizing would’ve been altered if he knew about Cap's feelings towards his Sergeant.) What he knows is that the person Steve Rogers loves the most doesn't have a stick up in his ass and the person Bucky Barnes loves the most isn't so bad when he doesn't have to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.

It's as much a clean slate as they're ever going to get, and Tony's willing to take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well who knew, Tony is much easier to write than pretty much anybody else. I call it the Dean Winchester effect.


	5. Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Menatiera's help and enthusiastic cheerleading is everything, I wish every author had someone like her!!!! (Not her tho. Hands off.) 
> 
> This chapter is ~questionably~ Ragnarok-compliant, or at least not openly contradictory? If you squint. No spoilers, though.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away (see? he knows Midgardian “pop culture” now!) Thor used to be the KING of parties. First to the battle and first to the feast, they'd sing about him, and sure enough, he'd throw himself into a fight just as gladly as he'd drink the finest of Asgardian mead with Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg and Sif until dawn or until none of them could sit straight anymore. They'd retell their greatest adventures and the halls of the palace would be filled with their roaring laughter! Oh, how Thor loved those times. How he misses them now.

For he was careless, reckless and full of himself; flaws visible only to his brother that had him sent to Earth to learn some modesty and humbleness. Maybe Loki's plan was only selfish, to grab the crown and retaliate the injustice done to him, all the deceit and the lies, but the result was immensely good: Thor matured upon meeting Lady Jane, Darcy, doctor Selvig, and the rest of humanity. He learned respect and responsibility - and looking at his family he is thankful for the opportunity to be _different_.

That otherness, now, comes with a price, and he finds the saying "heavy is the head that wears the crown" fitting. He can't let go so freely, he can't pretend he doesn't have a duty for Asgard and for Midgard if they shall need it. Instead of being the center of a party he nowadays sits on the sidelines, watches his team have fun and contends himself by soaking up their happiness.

The good Captain sits with him more often than not, if not physically then metaphorically. He carries himself with a sense of non-belonging; the kind Thor understands from experience and can relate to more than to any other of their teammates, and not just on the basis of the both of them coming from a different time or place.

He easily respects the Captain not only as a fellow great warrior but especially as a great tactician and leader. He falls in line behind him and trusts his decisions, for they are always best for the people he swore to protect. Thor learns a lot from him while fighting by his side, and he is secretly thankful for Loki because without his lesson he might not be so open to take this opportunity.

Thor also understands the Captain's melancholy. It partly comes from the weight of responsibility they both have to bear, but there's something else in the tight smiles and flickering eyes of his - loss. Much like Thor has lost Loki, the Captain has lost so much, especially so much love; maybe even his whole world. The echo of this loss is written on the lines of his face even if he doesn't speak about it, and Thor doesn't ask. Some wounds can reopen too easily.

 

And then the Captain comes back with his believed-to-be-lost shield brother, and he no longer watches life from afar. He is living again as if he was thawed out for real, this time; as if he's been sleepwalking since he was found in the icy ocean, his body there but his mind not fully present. As if his winter finally gave place to a much-welcomed spring.

The old Thor would be jealous of this new-old Cap, but the old Thor died with Loki's betrayal. The new Thor is simply happy for him like he would be for anybody, or maybe just a tiny bit more: if someone deserves a respite it's the Captain.

Thor should know.

 

Maybe Loki's original plan wasn't stealing Asgard's crown but making Thor a better king. Maybe it was. Thor's not angry at him anymore; who knows what he would've done in Loki's place. Seeing the less-deserving rival win unjustly may have incited a rage in him on par with the Hulk's; finding out about the lies and secrecy would've made him lash out, too. The very foundation of Loki's existence was destroyed, and Jane, once she managed to calm down after the alien attack, spoke about internalized hatred and oppression in a way easy for Thor to understand.

Loki, in his hurt, made Thor a better candidate for King where Thor would've destroyed Asgard in his place.

It's ironic, how his brother's mischief gave Thor the chance to be the better man.

 

The Captain never needed that nudge. He seemed to have been born with a kind heart and shining soul, and despite his flaws he never attempted to do less than great.

Although he, too, has mischief in him, a mouth on him that people learn to be wary of fast, but his quips and pranks are never born out of malice, but for the need to counter the injustice of the world.

 

And so Thor isn't jealous. He has his own "Bucky", although Lady Jane isn't very good with weaponry other than her mind - not that Thor would ask her to be. She's not a warrior but she is his and he is hers; that is more than he could ask for. He has his valued and trusted team members, _friends_ , on Earth: the Avengers have his back just like the Warriors Three and Lady Sif do back at home, and that is two families more than the truly misfortunate ones were given.

He also has someone to inspire him to do better: not for a father's approving nod nor for women falling at his feet, but for himself, the only person he should aspire to never let down.

He is happy for his friend's happiness.

Especially when said happiness comes from the fact that an ill-fated, tortured soul can come back from what was done to him. That hands that have spilled blood can caress again, that eyes that were trained to look for weak spots can shed tears, that nightmares can fade with time.

With that, the Captain and his Sergeant give Thor something dangerous: hope - upon which he builds faith. Maybe Loki can counter hatred with love. Maybe, if Thor makes Asgard a better world for him, Loki could find his way back home again. Maybe if Thor accepts Loki then Loki will return the favor.

Maybe Thor himself can sometimes unburden as well, give up some of his worries for a calm hour with those he trusts the most. Have a smile without fear, a laugh without a sigh; enjoy the present without the future looming around the corner.

Maybe these are hopes too high, but if Thor has learned anything in his time with the Avengers it's that the fear of the impossible should never stop you from trying. That is how Midgardians live and evolve and achieve so much, and maybe it’s time for the Asgardians to learn some things from them as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line "first to the battle, first to the feast" is a quote from Sabaton's Swedish Pagans, go listen to it because it's damn good! :D 
> 
> I LOVED writing our Space Prince (TM Menatiera) much, much more than I anticipated :) Hope you like it!

**Author's Note:**

> And this concludes the end of this journey :) Frankly I'm blown away by how much you seem to like it, and also flattered!! Thank you for all the nice comments, they mean so, so much to me. <3
> 
> If you want, you can find me on [tumblr](http://cpt-winniethepooh.tumblr.com/) and if you liked this fic then stay tuned because I have another long-ass fic on the way that dissects the connection between Steve and Cap but is much less meta, ie. it has an actual plot and dialogues. I know, weird, right? 
> 
> ETA #1: this fic is growing its universe too, who would've thought. You can check the rest out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13881336) :) 
> 
>   
> ETA #2: aforementioned longfic is finally [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14429967/chapters/33328158)!!!


End file.
